MILLBANK - College senior Maddie Roe has been pounding the pavement, searching for her next step into the working world from college.  A prestigious internship seems like the logical next step.  But Ms. Roe, 23, a philosophy student at Tri-City State University,has a decided opinion about this summer's plans.  "Anything but Mr. Sofa Guy," she declares.  "I will clean the haunted molasses factory with my tongue before I will intern at Mr. Sofa Guy's."

"Well, I certainly wouldn't recommend that," replies H. P. Bartlett, Vice President of Marketing and Sales at Mr. Sofa Guy's Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Emporium.  "That sounds a little gritty."  He went on to say, "The good news is that there are plenty of opportunities right here in Millbank that do not involve tongues, molasses or ghosts, or at least not every day."

This is the third year that Mr. Sofa Guy's Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Emporium has offered summer internships to area college students.  These internships are structured so that students can get real-world, hands-on experience in the field of sofa-making.  "These sorts of jobs are the future of our economy.  People are always going to want quality sofas at reasonable prices, no matter what sorts of crazy gadgets scientists invent.  After all, sitting never goes out of style!" remarks Mr. Bartlett.

"The important thing is that these kids are gaining relevant skills that will translate into gainful employment and minimum incarceration," continues Bartlett.  "Their heads are full of all sorts of fluff when they begin, but by the end, their heads are clear and their lungs are full of fluff.  They are focused on what's important to get and hold a job."

"I learned a lot from the experience" admits Nathan Cobblepease, who interned at the factory last summer.  "We spent hours and hours working heavy machinery, building sofa frames, sweeping sawdust, loading trucks.  I still have "Stuffing Cough" even after a year.  I guess I learned that I should have started looking for an internship much, much earlier, instead of spending all my spare time playing Minecraft."  He says that his full-time job at the sludge recycling plant is much more pleasant.

University students with an interest in carpentry, upholstery or related fields should contact Mr. Bartlett before May 15, 2013.  Before being accepted, interns will be expected to pass a physical exam, mental acuity test, background check, cultural alignment inspection, and the hall of one thousand tortures.

The Millbank City Council voted unanimously on Thursday to cancel the city's proposed summer recycling program, “Kool Kidz Kanz.” The decision was made after a presentation by senior citizens from neighboring Chesterburgh Point.

The seniors said that Chesterburgh’s program has resulted in “a reign of reconstituted terror.” Overzealous youths have been retrieving cans, bottles and newspapers from trash cans as soon as residents finish with them, leaving good people unsettled and confused. Gangs have been reported sneaking into neighborhoods and taking recyclables that have been left by the curb, frequently leaving nothing behind. One speaker from Chesterburgh said through tears that she left a bag of aluminum cans at the curb for recycling one night, and before she woke someone had taken them.

Chief Vern Howard said he agreed with the Council’s decision. “The last thing we need is to disrupt the status quo. People get comfortable with who takes their waste. To change would be to court chaos and violence.”

"Kool Kidz Kanz" was developed by Goethe Smalls, president, secretary and treasurer of the Parents Education Council, a non-sanctioned parent-student group. Kanz was intended to be  "fun and environmentally friendly,” said Smalls. “I intentionally misspelled the words in the name to appeal to the youth; given the quality of our schools, that’s how they spell. I even had a very cute mascot designed and T-shirts with KKK written on them really big."

The intention of Kool Kidz Kanz was for Millbank youth to learn about recycling through an innovative program. Each item a youth recycled would earn them one point. Kids would be encouraged to see who could get the most points. If the program proved successful, businesses would be asked to offer prizes in four or five years.

Millbank has never had a recycling program. Previous attempts to establish one have been thwarted by various groups. The Sons of Liberty protested an attempt in 2002, citing that recycled goods could be used to make weapons used by terrorists. In 2007, a proposal was rejected because the City council had to dedicate the entire year to keeping raccoons out of the Water River.

The City Council said they would revisit recycling during the 2014 agenda, but only consider proposals that ensure recyclables do not get into the wrong hands.