Avengers: Infinity War
The Avengers Infinity: War to Eternity is a story of marginal utility.
When my grandmother died, my parents thought the family should fly out for the funeral. They paid for it, so I got to fly on a big airplane and stay in a hotel. Gam-Gam’s death, plus 25 bucks on my birthdays is why she was such an important person in my life.
I had my own room at the hotel, and you know what? At swank hotels you can buy pornos on the TV. Plus, there are bottles of lotion in the bathroom. It’s exactly what heaven will be like, except without Jesus. There was an option to buy one movie or unlimited viewing for 24 hours. I don’t remember how much that cost, just that it didn’t matter because my parents were paying.
Before I started my journey into twenty-four hours of ass-fucking, dick-sucking, girl-on-girl, girl-on-boy, boy-on-girls, and--you know, if I happened to accidentally stumble on it--man-on-fireman bacchanalia I stole two cases of lotion from a maid cart, filled three buckets with ice, took off all my clothes, then returned to my room, locked the door and got into the bed. I had finally found a purpose and a meaning for my miserable, insignificant little life. This would be my caveman discovering fire, or drafting the Treaty of Versailles, or inventing penicillin, or seeing raccoons lick passed-out hobos.
I’d have to skip Gam-Gam’s service to get my parents’ money’s worth, but I liked to think she’d be somewhere up in heaven watching with me rather than hovering over a bunch of old people saying nice things about her in a church. I hit the “purchase” button on the remote.
Eight minutes later, I was spent, sticky, cold, full of remorse and self-hatred, again wondering what the fuck the point of my existence was and feeling deeply inadequate when compared to the man who had just fucked a “nurse” in what was supposed to be a hospital but really just looked like a bedroom with a poster of the human anatomy on one wall. I’d shot my entire wad and I’m not even into nurses. Worse was that I had 23 hours and 52 minutes to go, and the missing my grandmother’s funeral later in the day for something I wasn’t even going to enjoy. Two hours later I was crying inconsolably. Three hours later, I whacked off again, but then I cried some more.
The day of Gam-Gam’s funeral was the day I learned about marginal utility. It’s the notion that you will get less benefit from each additional unit of something you consume. Like the time the Arvada Tavern let the Harelip and me eat as many expired pickles as we could for three bucks. The first one was fucking delicious, the second, slightly less so. The third was still tasty, the fourth okay, and by the 18th they provided no satisfaction or joy. The 24th pickle made me very, very sad. I didn’t know that what I was experiencing was marginal utility then, but I had a shitload of time to look it up on the Internet the day of Gam-Gam’s service.
I thought about marginal utility a lot while watching Avengers War: Infinity Forever and Ever. It is the comic book equivalent of 24 hours of porn. One big fight is great. Two is okay. But by the 40th time some dude in armor shoots lasers out of his hands, the joy is long gone and you’re just praying the whole fucking thing will end. It’s 160 minutes of dudes in tights, metal and capes thrusting out their arms to launch spooge, weapons, shields, whatever. I was spent and looked at my watch, only to discover we were only forty minutes in. I wished I were back in that hotel room with all those fake tits and phony moans.
There’s a shitload of heroes but only one bad guy, some lantern-jawed serious space giant named Thanos. He’s really into population control. So much so that he wants to kill half of everything in the universe because that’s his solution for making things better. I guess if he has a weakness it’s that he doesn’t listen to suggestions from others.
In order to do fulfill his mission, Thanos needs six rhinestones only available from the Oriental Trading Company, and usually only given out at six-year-old girls’ birthday parties. He has some of the stones, but the Avengers have the rest. He must defeat them.
The Avengers are a mix of ladies and dudes with magical powers. There must be at least a dozen of them stuffed into this movie, including Ironman, Spiderman, Dr. Strange, Black Widow, Black Panther, Falcon, the Guardians of the Galaxy, Thor, Captain America, Hulk and the one superhero that outlames every other: Vision. Holy fuck is that guy a big red, mopey drip. But he has one of them rhinestones stamped into his head, so he has to be in the movie. Anyway, the huge number of Avengers in this movie reminded me of a high school reunion where you think you’re going to be happy to see all these people because they probably forgot about the time you shit your pants running the mile in P.E. In fact, though, there are so many familiar faces that you quickly realize you never cared much about most of them and really don’t want to hear about their children.
It’s impossible for an average guy to be able to keep track of what powers each of these fuckers has. Same with their beefs and relationships. I take it that Ironman and Captain America don’t get along. Ironman is also Spiderman’s sugar daddy. And Hulk used to bone Black Widow. Also, Gamora, who is one of the Guardians of the Galaxy, is Thanos’s stepdaughter. Dr. Strange and Ironman are snippy. Everyone gets one conflict, everyone gets one personality trait, everyone gets one heroic action. It’s like war rationing coupon books, and even a movie this fucking long has only so many coupons to go around.
Some superheroes can fly, some can jump, some are super quick or can read minds, have really cool weapons or Teflon suits. However, the way Avengers Infinity: War Magic plays out, the heroes can manipulate themselves to be able to do whatever the situation needs. Except beat Thanos.
He can do everything. The Avengers say that once he has three of the six stones he will be unstoppable, and yet we then sit around and watch him get three more before the stupid heroes do much. In other words, after he is unstoppable. Which he is. And the Avengers fail. They have to so there can be another of these movies in a year or so.
If Thanos has his panties all wadded up about population control, why doesn’t he use his special magic stones to create birth control, or just feed everyone? That’s never explained. Neither is why he’s such a fucking busybody getting all up in every other planet’s business.
The movie is loud as hell, a ringing bell. The special effects tend to be pretty good, and 90% of this movie is special effects. The only character that looks pretty damn fake is Thanos. He’s more wooden and his movements more awkward. The story moves from Earth to other planets, from New York to Africa. Every time it’s about to settle in, everything moves because it has to give some fucking hero a little screen time and motivation.
The effect is overwhelming and hollow, just like seeing a big-titted woman pretending she likes having her hair pulled during sex for hours and hours. A few minutes is a diversion. Hour upon hour is exhausting and increasingly meaningless.
I think if my grandmother were to die again, I would do things differently. I would probably just buy the single porno in the hotel. It depends on the price, though, and who's paying. Two Fingers for Avenger War: Time Takes Forever.